If You’re in the place where I am now…

…it’s not so wonderful, and your life sucks.

A few months ago, I thought I would want to be a non-fiction writer. Though the thought still left a few traces in my consciousness, it’s getting harder and harder each day to picture myself as a non-fiction writer.

I wrote on my posts that I wanted to be a writer. I lied. I didn’t know what I wanted to do for my life. I don’t know what I should do for my life and it’s scaring the crap out of me.

Sometimes I just want to forget all about it and make T (my current boyfriend) promise that he’s going to take care of me for the rest of our lives. I know that’s undignifying, but I’m too stressed out thinking about what I should do. He just goes along with me. His words are like those cookies that I consume to calm my momentary hyper-maniac desire for comfort; they’re temporary treats and they’re bad for your long-term well-being.

I did have a start somewhere. One of them is a PR related work for a non-profit. The truth is, as much as I enjoyed working with the people there, I didn’t really enjoy myself in it. I couldn’t give it 100%, and found myself reluctant giving in all the energy that I have. I couldn’t tell the problem why I just feel really unmotivated.

I’m helping a friend founding a start-up but that’s also going nowhere. I see we have a bit of hope, a bit of cash but nothing for the long-term. Again, I just can’t picture myself in it for the long-term.

I kept blaming my parents for what’s happened and reminiscing over how I wanted to be  fashion designer and lamenting how late it is now to start over.

I’m sick of the expectant eyes of people asking me when I’m going to graduate and where I’m going to work. Like I know it… I’ve been bearing those eyes for almost 4 years now and I wouldn’t risk going through that same horrid experience again to start over with my fashion career. I have so many things to be scared about.

And I’m too scared to be a non-fiction writer and too occupied by fear to give my 100% in it, I’m scared that I’ll have to rely on T for a living for a long time (that’s like eating cookies and fooling myself that it’s okay to do so for the rest of my life). And that’s exactly what I really DON’T want to do.

Is there a person that I should go talk to? like a career counselor?…

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